Unit 11, The Business Centre, Barlow Drive, Winsford, Cheshire, CW7 2GN. Tel. 01606 339259
Having to give a speech can be a daunting prospect for many -
In short, practise your speech, refine it, speak up, and take your time!
Father of the Bride
Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man's habits,
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest!
A woman is like a tea bag - you don't know her strength until she's in hot water!
I'm feeling very lonely, I've been married for 15 years,
Marriage is like wine - It gets better with age.
Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers.
A toast to sweethearts -
Every man needs a wife because things sometimes go wrong that you can't blame
When I proposed, I said "I offer you my hand, my heart, and my washing!"
A wife may bring you pains, but celibacy brings no pleasures.
Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.
Before I met my first husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately we were married for four
If you would marry suitably, marry your equal.
Opening lines for Grooms and Best Men
....I did have a great speech worked out for you today, but as I am now married 'x' has
....As Henry VIII said to each of his wives... "I won't keep you long"
....I was really nervous before this, so I prepared a few lines - having snorted them I feel fine.
....I'm not going to stand here and give you a load of stale old jokes. I'm going to leave that
....I overheard my new wife explain why it had taken so long for us to marry. She said "men are like fine wine. They all start out as grapes. It's our job to stamp on them and keep them
....Bearing in mind that public speaking is a waste of valuable drinking time, the bar's open and you're not paying. As I know you all like a drink, I will endear myself to you
....(the Father of the Bride) has given me a receipt to sign (pull a piece of paper from jacket)
....Thanks to 'x' and 'y' for speaking before me. I know they were both glad to get the chance. It's the first time in 25 years that 'x' has been able to speak for 5 minutes without interruption from the women in his family, and it'll be another 25 years before
....I'm sure you'd all agree it's been a fantastic day so far, but every silver lining has a cloud and I'm yours.
....For those of you who don't know me, my name is Kevin would-you-like-a-drink.
....Being asked to be Best Man is a bit like being asked to make love to the Queen -
....I don't want to 'take the mickey' out of the Groom today, I don't believe in that sort
....(Groom's name), you are a very lucky man. You've married someone who's smart, beautiful, kind-hearted, loving and caring, and she deserves a good husband. It's a good job you married her before she found one.
....Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Anyone who believes that knows very little about women... or fractions! But in fact 'x' and (bride) do make a great team. (bride) cooks, 'x' eats. 'x' drinks, (bride) drives. 'x' makes a mess, (bride) cleans up.
....When 'x' asked me to be his Best Man, I told him I was deeply honoured, but I didn't think I was the right person for the job. He said to me "how about £20". I said 'x' I can't be bought. He said "how about £20 and a pint of Guinness"....(pause).... Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen, my name is 'z' and I'm your Best Man today.
....(bride) looks stunning today..... and 'x'.... Well it's good to see they knew how to make a good suit in the 70's.
....It's funny how history repeats itself. Only 30 years ago (bride's parents) were sending (bride) to bed with a dummy.... and here they go again.
Humorous History Stuff
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old". Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring!!!
Flying away on Honeymoon?
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one:
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an major accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
P: OFF inoperative.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
P: Target radar hums.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
And the best one:
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
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